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Feature: Humor
Latest Linux security threat: Alien hackers
By Robin 'Roblimo' Miller
on
December 03, 2005 (8:00:00 AM)
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We didn't hear about this danger from flying saucer nutcases but from
the ultra-respectable British publication The
Guardian, which says, "According to a scientific report, planet Earth's
computers are wide open to a virus attack from Little Green Men." So
far, there is no evidence whatsoever that Linux is immune to alien
computer viruses. Could this threat bring the spread of Linux to a halt?
We know Windows is unlikely to fall prey to alien computer intruders
because a Forrester study showed that "Microsoft was the
only vendor to have corrected 100% of the publicly known flaws during
the study's time period" and "Windows has the fewest vulnerabilities
and the fewest 'high severity' vulnerabilities of any platform
measured."
We know this information is reliable because it didn't come from some bunch of flaky Linux zealots but from Microsoft's own "Get the FUD" site.
What's more, an equally reliable source tells us that, over a year after the above report was released, Windows users have found "a 100 percent improvement in Microsoft's security in the past 12 months."
Obviously, all those Windows vulnerabilities you read about are nothing but the ravings of demented free software communists.
Or are they? Could this all be a disinformation campaign by aliens who plan to invade us?
We know that not everyone believes aliens are harmful; the folks at The Lightside certainly seem to think they're a force for good.
But can The Lightside be trusted? We did a "What's that site running?" query at Netcraft, and got an OS unknown response. This immediately makes us suspect that this site uses an alien OS and is part of an alien disinformation campaign. Or could it -- even more insidiously -- be part of a dis-disinformation campaign?
How advanced intelligences have corrupted Linux
Obviously, beings that travel interstellar distances are way beyond us technologically. It is no great stretch to realize that they helped spawn the free software movement, which accepts code contributions from all life forms. It is also no great stretch to realize that these beings are so far ahead of us that their code contains hidden instructions that will shut down all our defenses when their invasion force is ready to strike.
Yes, I know: Linus Torvalds and the Apache inner circle and other heads of big-time free software projects check all code before it is accepted. You're forgetting that we are talking about incredibly advanced aliens whose mental powers dwarf those of even genius-level earthlings like Linus. What looks to him like an innocuous device driver may in reality contain a code snippet which, when run in conjunction with another hidden code snippet in OpenOffice.org and one in XMMS, then activated by a coded message on an Apache-based Web site, may infiltrate the Pentagon's most secure computer networks and fire our entire nuclear arsenal at bogus targets.
Why proprietary software keeps you safe
Have you ever thought about submitting a great bit of code to Microsoft so they can include it in the next version of Windows? I haven't either, and even if I could program beyond the moron level I wouldn't. Windows and other Microsoft programs -- and virtually all propriety software -- is written by staff employees and a carefully-selected group of subcontractors, not by random strangers who toss stuff into online submissions bins.
Imagine a drooling alien covered with slimy green scales showing up at the personnel office in Redmond. That creature would be out the door (and in the hands of exobiologists) before you could say "Developers! Developers! Developers!"
If that same alien escaped from the scientists and returned home, you'd better believe that in his anger he'd load some sort of horrible computer virus onto his race's interplanetary radio communications so that the SETI Institute would pick it up and infect our world's computers.
As mentioned above, Windows is far too secure to be compromised by an alien. Not only that -- and this is the important part -- there is no way for that alien to hide code within Windows itself, while it could easily become a Linux kernel contributor and slip its nefarious Easter eggs into Linux.
Can you say with certainty that every contributor to every free or open source software project is an Earth human? I don't think so!
Until you can, the surest way to defend your computer against alien invaders is -- obviously -- to stick with good old-fashioned proprietary software, which is what I will do as soon as I get smart enough to run Windows instead of simple, reliable Linux.
We know this information is reliable because it didn't come from some bunch of flaky Linux zealots but from Microsoft's own "Get the FUD" site.
What's more, an equally reliable source tells us that, over a year after the above report was released, Windows users have found "a 100 percent improvement in Microsoft's security in the past 12 months."
Obviously, all those Windows vulnerabilities you read about are nothing but the ravings of demented free software communists.
Or are they? Could this all be a disinformation campaign by aliens who plan to invade us?
We know that not everyone believes aliens are harmful; the folks at The Lightside certainly seem to think they're a force for good.
But can The Lightside be trusted? We did a "What's that site running?" query at Netcraft, and got an OS unknown response. This immediately makes us suspect that this site uses an alien OS and is part of an alien disinformation campaign. Or could it -- even more insidiously -- be part of a dis-disinformation campaign?
How advanced intelligences have corrupted Linux
Obviously, beings that travel interstellar distances are way beyond us technologically. It is no great stretch to realize that they helped spawn the free software movement, which accepts code contributions from all life forms. It is also no great stretch to realize that these beings are so far ahead of us that their code contains hidden instructions that will shut down all our defenses when their invasion force is ready to strike.
Yes, I know: Linus Torvalds and the Apache inner circle and other heads of big-time free software projects check all code before it is accepted. You're forgetting that we are talking about incredibly advanced aliens whose mental powers dwarf those of even genius-level earthlings like Linus. What looks to him like an innocuous device driver may in reality contain a code snippet which, when run in conjunction with another hidden code snippet in OpenOffice.org and one in XMMS, then activated by a coded message on an Apache-based Web site, may infiltrate the Pentagon's most secure computer networks and fire our entire nuclear arsenal at bogus targets.
Why proprietary software keeps you safe
Have you ever thought about submitting a great bit of code to Microsoft so they can include it in the next version of Windows? I haven't either, and even if I could program beyond the moron level I wouldn't. Windows and other Microsoft programs -- and virtually all propriety software -- is written by staff employees and a carefully-selected group of subcontractors, not by random strangers who toss stuff into online submissions bins.
Imagine a drooling alien covered with slimy green scales showing up at the personnel office in Redmond. That creature would be out the door (and in the hands of exobiologists) before you could say "Developers! Developers! Developers!"
If that same alien escaped from the scientists and returned home, you'd better believe that in his anger he'd load some sort of horrible computer virus onto his race's interplanetary radio communications so that the SETI Institute would pick it up and infect our world's computers.
As mentioned above, Windows is far too secure to be compromised by an alien. Not only that -- and this is the important part -- there is no way for that alien to hide code within Windows itself, while it could easily become a Linux kernel contributor and slip its nefarious Easter eggs into Linux.
Can you say with certainty that every contributor to every free or open source software project is an Earth human? I don't think so!
Until you can, the surest way to defend your computer against alien invaders is -- obviously -- to stick with good old-fashioned proprietary software, which is what I will do as soon as I get smart enough to run Windows instead of simple, reliable Linux.
Comments
on Latest Linux security threat: Alien hackersNote: Comments are owned by the poster. We are not responsible for their content.
I love good computer humor, which is why this piece will be the last I read on Newsforge.
Roblimo, you have no sense of humor. Reading this article was embarrassing at best and painful at worst. Humor pieces (like spandex shorts) are a privilege, not a right. I want my click back.
Roblimo, you have no sense of humor. Reading this article was embarrassing at best and painful at worst. Humor pieces (like spandex shorts) are a privilege, not a right. I want my click back.
Just out of curiosity, are you a system admin?
Someone with a real sense of humor can laugh at both good humor and bad humor. YOU are the one with no sense of humor. Get over yourself.
What an article. It really made me laugh. Its also a call for linux developers to increase their efforts to shun outside attacks, maybe emulate the windows update system...
Lol roflmao!
It's alright, we're already using their technology
Posted by: Anonymous Coward on December 03, 2005 06:05 PM
We've been using Alien Technology (<a href="http://www.kitenet.net/programs/alien/" title="kitenet.net">http://www.kitenet.net/programs/alien/</a kitenet.net>) for a while now, I think we may be safe for the moment
I'm really skeptical about the "Linux is immune to viruses" attitude. It sounds like fool's pride to me. We Linux users do have strength in diversity, better system design, smarter userbase and a smaller target but..
When I think of a regular desktop distro, many of them install with many services open and without setting up a firewall or automated security patching. If a virus can get in through a vulnerability in one of those services or through user action, it might create a server program in userspace with gcc or perl and start spreading to other machines with known vulnerabilities. You don't need to get rooted to do that. And so few of us use virus scanners, that it might go unnoticed for a while.
When I think of a regular desktop distro, many of them install with many services open and without setting up a firewall or automated security patching. If a virus can get in through a vulnerability in one of those services or through user action, it might create a server program in userspace with gcc or perl and start spreading to other machines with known vulnerabilities. You don't need to get rooted to do that. And so few of us use virus scanners, that it might go unnoticed for a while.
Look pally boy, the humor is in the perceived threat of worms/virusses from aliens (do a little thinking on that issue.. and you'll get it) not in a "haha, poor Window user/suckers, their boxes are at risk from being attacked from outer space and we, superior Linux users are immune to such attacks" attitude, as you seem to think.
Your ramblings (yes, that wat they are) could have been spared from public view at all. They add nothing. You describe how a worm (yes a worm, not a virus) works.. Every sane person knows that Linux based systems are not immune to worms. That is why Linux distributors issue patches to their distros on a regular basis. That is way every sane sysadmin patches his boxes with these fixes.
Sane sysadmins run virusscanners on their mail servers (to filter out Windows virusses and worms) and run intrunsion decection systems on their boxes as well.
Your ramblings (yes, that wat they are) could have been spared from public view at all. They add nothing. You describe how a worm (yes a worm, not a virus) works.. Every sane person knows that Linux based systems are not immune to worms. That is why Linux distributors issue patches to their distros on a regular basis. That is way every sane sysadmin patches his boxes with these fixes.
Sane sysadmins run virusscanners on their mail servers (to filter out Windows virusses and worms) and run intrunsion decection systems on their boxes as well.
a little arrogant, are we?
yep... Just like you.
Re(1):Please do bloody READ... Ok?
Posted by: Anonymous [ip: 172.143.118.48] on September 28, 2007 05:56 PM
Tch.. tch..... too many dumb niggers here!
Windows isn't controlled by aliens? Have you ever seen a picture of Bill Gates or the dancing monkey boy video? Do those look like humans to you!?
I was thinking along similar lines.
Just think about it. Why do Microsoft not except code from anybody but their internal developers or a few 'selected' sub-contractors? Is it that these people, the internal developers/sub-contractors are really part of an initial alien invasion? They have come here to set up a company to disrupt our lives. To infiltrate markets with inferior products, hypnotizing us into thinking they are superior. Of course, only a few of us are immune and we must fight back.
And what of Monkey Boy and his infamous 'Developers! Developers! Developers!' Could this not be alienese for 'Invade! Invade! Invade!'. If it is then it is in typical Microsoft tradition. They announce an invasion and it is three years late!
Just think about it. Why do Microsoft not except code from anybody but their internal developers or a few 'selected' sub-contractors? Is it that these people, the internal developers/sub-contractors are really part of an initial alien invasion? They have come here to set up a company to disrupt our lives. To infiltrate markets with inferior products, hypnotizing us into thinking they are superior. Of course, only a few of us are immune and we must fight back.
And what of Monkey Boy and his infamous 'Developers! Developers! Developers!' Could this not be alienese for 'Invade! Invade! Invade!'. If it is then it is in typical Microsoft tradition. They announce an invasion and it is three years late!
Well that cinches it and confirms in my view this is bigger than just alien viruses being secretly coded into Linux. They are also moving into the commercial realm via alienware computer cases. I always thought there was to much a life like resemblance with how those boxes looked and real aliens. I know I've seen one.
Just in case some aliens decided to drop by<nobr> <wbr></nobr>:
echo "1" ><nobr> <wbr></nobr>/proc/sys/net/ipv4/conf/all/log_martians
This way I wont miss every precious moment.
echo "1" ><nobr> <wbr></nobr>/proc/sys/net/ipv4/conf/all/log_martians
This way I wont miss every precious moment.
Not to worry!
We're only at risk from the aliens taking over our computers if we run the same OS they do: Mac OSX.
Of course, that might not protect us from alien pr0n.
We're only at risk from the aliens taking over our computers if we run the same OS they do: Mac OSX.
Of course, that might not protect us from alien pr0n.
There are already alien programers working on OSS
Posted by: Anonymous Coward on December 04, 2005 12:11 AM
One of them started a pretty popular desktop interface <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miguel_de_Icaza/" title="wikipedia.org">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miguel_de_Icaza/</a wikipedia.org> Do not think he used SETI to launch it though, we've got something called the internet today you see...
Although some have begun to have a dim realization of the risk from SETI, the true horror has yet to dawn on them:
<a href="http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20051202?" title="userfriendly.org">http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20051202<nobr>?<wbr></nobr> </a userfriendly.org>
Geez, SNL writers should look to newsforge for inspiration. I'm sure they're running out of really crappy ideas. Robin could offer his crap.
I'm suspecting newsforge has many of these articles tucked away for a slow news day or when real writers are scarce.
Can't wait for the next one. But since I only give a passing glance to newsforge anymore I'm sure I won't see it.
I'm suspecting newsforge has many of these articles tucked away for a slow news day or when real writers are scarce.
Can't wait for the next one. But since I only give a passing glance to newsforge anymore I'm sure I won't see it.
"since I only give a passing glance to newsforge anymore I'm sure I won't see it"
Well then we won't need to see anymore of your useless comments either, will we?
Well then we won't need to see anymore of your useless comments either, will we?
if you never come here anymore why post now? Makes you look like a fibber that is grandstanding.
They don't need to infiltrate Linux or Windows - or even FreeBSD.
They already make the boxes Linux runs on - or haven't you heard of Alienware?
And everybody knows there is NO computer security if someone has physical access to your box!
Why do you think Microsoft and even the Linux companies are considering the TPM initiative? They obviously want to make sure the aliens totally control your box and can prevent you from seeing video downloads of the "X-Files" and "The Invaders".
Gates is just the sort of person Scully and Mulder would be investigating if they existed because he's just the sort of person who would cut a deal with the aliens just to see his stock value rise.
Especially since he probably plans to cut them out once his market share has gone back up - and then steal their intellectual property and pay off the resulting alien lawsuit to allow him a free hand to exploit the alien technology.
The next version of Windows will be awesome based as it will be on alien technology! Just wait! We'll finally have the ability to search for the files on our hard drive!
They already make the boxes Linux runs on - or haven't you heard of Alienware?
And everybody knows there is NO computer security if someone has physical access to your box!
Why do you think Microsoft and even the Linux companies are considering the TPM initiative? They obviously want to make sure the aliens totally control your box and can prevent you from seeing video downloads of the "X-Files" and "The Invaders".
Gates is just the sort of person Scully and Mulder would be investigating if they existed because he's just the sort of person who would cut a deal with the aliens just to see his stock value rise.
Especially since he probably plans to cut them out once his market share has gone back up - and then steal their intellectual property and pay off the resulting alien lawsuit to allow him a free hand to exploit the alien technology.
The next version of Windows will be awesome based as it will be on alien technology! Just wait! We'll finally have the ability to search for the files on our hard drive!
I'd rather belive Microsoft would colaborate with 3 letters entities, like FBI, CIA or NSA in order to create back-doors in the Windows operating system. Microsoft loves the money, and the US govern offers Microsoft tax-cuts, so why not Microsoft to help the govern... Microsoft's source code in NOT public, so it cannot be studied. LINUX source code was and still is studies by tens of thousands of developers, hackers, analysts for different reasons: they want to improve it, or simply to find bogus code. Would an alien stand against that? I doubt it. The complexity of LINUX operating system is way too low, and it can be fully understanded by humans and some hidden bogus code could be easily detected in short time.
The Guardian is a serious newspaper, better than most, but I don't think even its own staff would describe it as "ultra-respectable". It presents the news with a left-wing political slant (which, to its credit, it doesn't attempt to hide).
*Every* newspaper presents news with a political slant; the direction of the slant, of course, depends on what your own slant is. There's no such thing as "objective" news: every time you choose to publish a particular story, you're making a subjective decision about its newsworthiness---and that's before you get anywhere near how the story is actually written.
But this is all rather irrelevant: "respectability" is more about perception than reality. An "ultra-respectable" publication must be perceived as such even by people who have never read it. On that basis, I'd agree that the Guardian does not qualify as "ultra-respectable". But then, neither does any newspaper that I can think of, except maybe the Financial Times.
But this is all rather irrelevant: "respectability" is more about perception than reality. An "ultra-respectable" publication must be perceived as such even by people who have never read it. On that basis, I'd agree that the Guardian does not qualify as "ultra-respectable". But then, neither does any newspaper that I can think of, except maybe the Financial Times.
You guys really don't get the joke. The Guardian hired a hamas reporter to cover world events. They are the joke that you didn't get.
What would be funnier is hiring a u.s. reporter to cover world events. The only thing that would get reported would be whitehouse press releases.
<a href="http://toolbar.netcraft.com/site_report?url=http://msn.com" title="netcraft.com">http://toolbar.netcraft.com/site_report?url=http:<nobr>/<wbr></nobr> /msn.com</a netcraft.com>
LOL, they use FreeBSD alongside their Windows boxes.
I've noticed they also use Solaris boxes when you dig through all 59 pages of servers for Microsoft.
I've noticed they also use Solaris boxes when you dig through all 59 pages of servers for Microsoft.
boy, do you have the number of windoz machines NOT RUNNING UNDER VIRUS PROTECTION software from you-name-it. can this fantastic OZ run unattended ? by design ?
<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... you just have to see how performant OZ is (despite those 64bit/dual core/ghz things) when the AV starts to scan and trap things !
<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... and it just keeps addin' more and more to security layers 'til the day you wonder if its not in fact an ol' 386/66mhz
<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... you just have to see how performant OZ is (despite those 64bit/dual core/ghz things) when the AV starts to scan and trap things !
<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... and it just keeps addin' more and more to security layers 'til the day you wonder if its not in fact an ol' 386/66mhz
I don't know, but
<a href="http://uptime.netcraft.com/up/graph?site=www.thelightside.org" title="netcraft.com">http://uptime.netcraft.com/up/graph?site=www.thel<nobr>i<wbr></nobr> ghtside.org</a netcraft.com>
says:
Linux, Apache/1.3.22 (Unix) (Red-Hat/Linux) mod_ssl/2.8.4 OpenSSL/0.9.6b PHP/4.1.2
to me...
<a href="http://uptime.netcraft.com/up/graph?site=www.thelightside.org" title="netcraft.com">http://uptime.netcraft.com/up/graph?site=www.thel<nobr>i<wbr></nobr> ghtside.org</a netcraft.com>
says:
Linux, Apache/1.3.22 (Unix) (Red-Hat/Linux) mod_ssl/2.8.4 OpenSSL/0.9.6b PHP/4.1.2
to me...
What about if the man himself is one of them?
I have a long time suspected that He was lost here as a baby and is now collecting all the money in the word in order to build him a ship or whatever thech the are usin for travelling. The big risk is that he has latly seemed to take a likning of this sphere. Is he placing his thing in all defence computers in order to be able to make his planet to take over after he has left?
I have a long time suspected that He was lost here as a baby and is now collecting all the money in the word in order to build him a ship or whatever thech the are usin for travelling. The big risk is that he has latly seemed to take a likning of this sphere. Is he placing his thing in all defence computers in order to be able to make his planet to take over after he has left?
Thanks, I needed a laugh.
Posted by: Pizon on December 03, 2005 02:00 PM#